The Importance of Difference

Since age 12, when my best friend introduced me to indie music, I have felt the urgent need to be different, to stand out. Over time this has mutated, eventually becoming a paradox of deep insecurity and raging superiority complex.

In many ways, the need to be different has served as a driving force for character development. In my search for originality, I have discovered authentic interests which I may not have done otherwise. But at the same time, this need has caused frequent, debilitating self-criticism. Wanting to be different, for me, results, in the constant comparison of myself to my peers. Comparison refers to appearance, style, music taste, hobbies and lifestyle. If I like something someone else presents, for example an outfit they wear, I can’t just appreciate it. Instead, my brain decides that this is a direct attack on my sense of self. If I am not doing what others are doing or doing it better, then they are better than me and I am no longer good enough. In the age of social media, this comparison is easily accessible. Just a quick scroll through instagram can take me out for the day, make me revert back to pyjamas and just watch t.v., because if I’m not trying then I’m not competing and losing.

Perhaps all this comparison comes from a feeling of not knowing who I am. The people I often compare myself to are those who seem to well and truly know themselves. They know what they like and who they are and they stay whole-heartedly authentic. At least, that is how I perceive them. Appearances are deceiving but they are also so easy to believe. Especially if the pre-existing mindset is ‘I am not good enough’. In that case, it is much easier to accept that what everyone else puts out is exactly as they are, as it only evidences what I already think about myself.

At the crux of it all appears a blaring lack of confidence in my own identity. I think that wanting to be confident in my sense of self comes from a wider feeling of insignificance. How can you be a significant one in a world of billions? Significant people are those who are known about, who have done something worth knowing about. If that is the case, then how can my life be significant if I am just like the majority, if I go unknown and unimportant? I think many people struggle with this concept, with wanting to be “the main character”, because life as an extra seems inconsequential.